“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was” – Sade Andria Zabala
When I first moved down to Florida from New York, I arrived defeated. I had been desperately clinging to Long Island, working at a dead beat diner six days a week, and living on my own with my roommate, Miss K. A 51 year old recovering alcoholic with four cats. I should have realized how bad an idea this was from the start. A little more than six months later and I was moving out of my first apartment, to move back in with my parents who I hadn’t lived with in almost two years. It wasn’t like I was moving back into my childhood home, I was going to an entirely different state, leaving my friends and most of my family behind. I was devastated.
Why was this happening to me?
When I first got down here, I didn’t even try to acclimate. I hoarded myself in my room, with the curtains drawn, either sleeping for 12 hours or not sleeping at all and I kept wondering, why am I so sad? Why aren’t things getting better for me? Sadly, it took a huge wake up call for me to finally understand the answers to those questions. I was sad because I wanted to be. Things weren’t getting better for me because I wasn’t trying to make them better. I was my problem, but I was also my solution. These last two months I’ve been on a journey of recovery and self discovery. I’m learning to be more brave, to think smarter, to work harder and to be kinder to myself. I’ve stopped complaining about what I don’t have, and started to be happy with what I do have. I don’t feel the need to always be right and I try not to get upset over things I can’t control. It hasn’t been easy and everyday presents a new struggle but, I must persevere because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to look in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me. I already feel more content with who I am just by taking steps to better myself. My journey is far from over but for right now I’m just going to enjoy the ride, after all, it’s not all about the destination.
Until next time,
The Greenest of Blues